Love & Respect

Our home bible study has started a new study on relationships. It was an idea I presented to the group after Ian started doing some searching on God-centered marriages. I originally didn't like what he was trying to tell me. In our culture, hearing, "you must be submissive to your husband," just gets me riled up. But after reading a bit more on my own, I realize I am already or have been submissive to others, so why not my husband. We are all submissive to our bosses. They give us work to do, we do it without complaining, or we get fired. For those in the military, there is rank and if you are a new recruit, you better be submissive to the drill sergeant or the general. If you are not, there is discipline.

So we started a video series where some guy sat in a chair in talked. Ok, so it was very boring and I had a hard time staying awake. Earlier this summer, my cousin gave me some DVDs on marriages. It is called the Love & Respect series by Rev. Emerson Eggerichs. Ian and watched about 20-30 min of the 1st DVD at home & I found it entertaining as well as very informative. So our group decided to try these DVDs. The 1st night went very well. No one was bored and we all laughed at the truths that he presented.

I want to share with you what I am learning and what Rev. Eggerichs talks about, but first I want to share something else. Since our group decided to take on this issue of relationships, many relations of Christian couples are falling apart around me. I can think of 4 couples that are relatives that are having issues. Two of those couples have divorced, one is contemplating it, and the other is back together after a long separation, but still rocky. Then I heard about a family we know here in the Flathead Valley that is thinking of divorce. Another friend from college is separated from their spouse. Do you think God is trying to tell us something? Absolutely!!! Do I think I can help? I sure hope God will let me try.

So to start with, here is how the study starts. A quote from Ephesians 5:33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

He then goes on to point out a vicious circle. Without love, she reacts defensively without respect. Without respect, he reacts defensively without love. And it keeps going & going. He also stated that women will not respond sexually if she is not feeling love from her husband. How many of you ladies have felt that way? I sure know I have.

He tells a story of a couple's anniversary. This year, the guy remembered and bought a card for his wife. He wants to take her out to dinner, so he asks her to pick a place. She says she'll eat anything, but she'd like him to decide. So he names one place & she doesn't want to eat there, he names another & another, none of them are where she really wants to go. She wonders why he can't read her mind. He wonders why she asked him to decide, but then she doesn't agree with any of his decisions. Oh and about that card he remembered to get. He hands it to her, and her face beams. She's so happy he remembered. Then she opens the card and her face falls. Why? Because it's a birthday card. He remembered, but didn't take the time to read the card he was giving. How does this night end? With the couple mad at each other, walking away from each other & no one goes out for a nice dinner. They have started on the crazy cycle.

He tells a story I've heard before & maybe you have too. He tells of a man and his kids getting on the subway. The dad is sitting by himself appearing to be lost in thought. The kids are running all around the subway, making a nuisance of themselves, upsetting all the other passengers. How would you feel if you saw this? Would you get upset at the dad for not paying attention to his kids? Would you get upset at the kids for making so much noise? Well one passenger decides to do something about it, so he taps the dad on the shoulder & tells the dad his kids are being a bother to everyone. The dad looks up & tells the other passenger, with a sad expression in his face, that they had all just come from the hospital where his wife had just died. OK, slap in the face!! Wow!! How do you feel now? Sympathy for the dad & his kids? You bet!! Will you forgive the dad & the kids for their behavior? Yes!! Sometimes we don't know what is going on with someone until we ask them to explain. When we react to our spouse with anger towards their behavior, do we understand why they are acting that way? Will we take the time to find out & then empathize? Or will we get on the crazy cycle? I once read that it is the 2nd person who says something mean who starts the argument. If we can learn to not react badly to something someone says to us, we can avoid starting the argument.

We then learn that women have pink eyeglasses, pink hearing aids, and a pink megaphone. Guys have blue glasses, blue hearing aids and a blue megaphone. It's not wrong, just different. She says, I have nothing to wear. She means, I have nothing new to wear. He says the same thing. He means, I don't have anything clean to wear. They said the same thing, but mean something different. If she says I have nothing to wear to her girlfriends, they say, let's go shopping! If he says the same thing to the guys, they say, she doesn't do your laundry either? We need to take the time to understand our spouses and what they are meaning, not just what they are saying.

We all have deep values. Women's are the need to feel loved. Guys are the need to have respect. If he brings home a diet book, she hears him saying, "I don't love you." But if her friends give it to her, she wants to read it & get started on the diet. If she brings home a marriage book, he hears her saying, "I don't respect you." But if the guys had given him the book, he'd take it home to her & be her hero! Here is where Eph 5:33 comes in. And this is now the crazy cycle starts.

Colossians 3:19 - Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them.
1 Peter 3:1-2 - Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.

I really enjoyed these 2 verses. I love the instruction God gives to both spouses. He is supposed to love us without being bitter. We are supposed to respect / be submissive to him and that our actions of showing respect / submissiveness will win him over.

He goes on to say that science & scripture reveal the code about the 2 deepest values (love for women, respect for men). I'll have to watch the DVD again & post the scientific evidence, but for now here is the scripture.

Genesis 29:32 - So Leah conceived and bore a son, and she called his name Reuben;[a] for she said, “The LORD has surely looked on my affliction. Now therefore, my husband will love me.
Judges 16:15 - Then she said to him, “How can you say, ‘I love you,’ when your heart is not with me? You have mocked me these three times, and have not told me where your great strength lies.
2 Samuel 6:16-22 - Michal, King David's wife saw him dancing before the Lord and she despised (no respect) him in her heart. When he comes home later, she chastises him for dancing shamelessly before the maids. David says, "But as for the maidservants of whom you have spoken, by them I will be held in honor.” He would rather have the maidservant's respect.

Rev. Eggerichs talks about women having this tank of love that we need to have filled up and it's connected to an air hose. Sometimes our husbands step on our air hose & don't let our love tank get filled. When that happens, we get mad & disrepect our husbands. He also has an tank for respect and we sometimes step on their airhose, taking away the respect that they need.

Us ladies wonder if he loves us as much as we love him.
He acts like Rodney Dangerfield and says, "I get no respect."

Here are some verses that show this:
Genesis 29:32,33 - Leah ... said ... "the Lord has heard that I am unloved ..."
Judges 14:16 - Samson's wife wept ... and said, "You only hate me, and you do not love me."
Esther 1:17 - ... to look with contempt on their husbands ...
Esther 1:20 - ... then all women will give honor tho their husbands, great and small.
Hosea 2:14 - ... I will allure her ... and speak kindly (tenderly NIV) to her.
Proverbs 2:16 - ... the adulteress who flatters with her words

In today's culture we hear more about Love in marriage than respect. Why? it sells more cards to begin with.

"Women are more expressive responsive in marriage."
"In this culture, a love-dominated society, a woman tends to talk far more about her need for love than her husband talks about his need for respect. Biblically, there are two sides to the marital coin: love AND respect. We need to think BIBLICALLY, not just culturally. Though Paul penned the Love Chapter (1 Corinthians 13) and Peter walked with the Lord of Love for three years, neither command a wife to agape-love her husband. Only the husband is commanded to agape-love his wife (Ephesians 5:25,28,33). Both Peter and Paul reveal that the secret for a wife is to show unconditional respect (1 Peter 3:1,2; Ephesians 5:33). Unconditional respect is as powerful to a husband as unconditional love is to a wife. This truth needs to be put back on the marital radar screen."

We all need love & respect, but women lean more towards love & guys lean more toward respect. When a wife is in need of honor (respect), it is related to treatment of her as an equal (1 Peter 3:7). When a husband is in need of love, it is related to his desire for his wife to be friendly (Titus 2:4)."

Titus 2:4 - Encourage the young women to love (phileo, not agape) their husbands
1 Peter 3:7 - Husbands ... grant her honor (the Greek word means valuing) as a fellow heir of the grace of life ...
Ephesians 5:33 - ... love his own wife ... let the wife see to it that she respect her husband.

I have more to share, but it's time for dinner and then Awana. I hope that this somehow is an encouragement to you. I will post more later.